I get a lot of catalogs. A lot. Hard as I try to get off the mailing lists, they keep flooding my box like a herd of Mogwi who’ve run through the sprinklers. Most of them come from a nameless lingerie store which I am sure you’ve all heard of. Although I typically file them directly in the recycle bin, on occasion, I give them a look see.
Now, the offending company sells relatively tame lingerie. Some of it is tricky, but for the most part, it’s your typical sparkly, push up fare that doesn’t have too many hooks and buttons to maneuver. But the other day, I was looking through a different lingerie catalog, and happened upon some truly complicated undies. These are the uber sexy, fantastical costumes that you can find in your local adult toy store. In this particular catalog, you can buy a pair of crotchless panties alongside a bra that’s so complicated it may as well be a Chinese finger trap.
This got me thinking about all of my experiences with lingerie. I understand that it’s supposed to be hot and sexy. Valentine’s Day propaganda showcases sexy lingerie as the ultimate turn on. But how much of a turn on is it really when you can’t take it off without dislocating a shoulder? And if you can’t figure it out, then your man doesn’t stand a chance. (For the sake of this article, we are going with man partners. If you have a girl partner, she should be able to work the hooks of a corset…SHOULD) By the time your Prince Charming has figured out how to remove the Medieval torture device that is holding your breasts in place, Vlad the Impaler will be in no mood to play anymore. You may as well call it a day and wait for the morning sex.
A simple push up bra and boy shorts tends to work just as well, and it’s not nearly as time consuming. Although I must admit that men are way too eager to lose the lingerie. Most of the time, the don’t even wait for your to remove your top before going straight for the bra. Now guys – this is a no-no. If I’ve taken the time to carefully select a bra-panty combo that happens to be the exact colors of your favorite sports team, you are obligated to take it in. The second you unhook my bra without telling me how good it makes my boobs look, you’ve punched your ticket to an epic mood swing. Let us have our moments, man. Lingerie is expensive, and if we picked something with you in mind, then damn it, you need to look. Some of us feel sexier when the girls are lifted, and we expect you to appreciate it. Just for a few minutes. Really though. Be patient, Vlad, or you’ll be playing with the catalogs again.